Can I ask you a personal question?

Opposite-sex friendships: Benefit or Burden? 

Turn on a rom-com, and you’re probably going to come across the classic best-friends-turn-into-more storyline. From the nostalgic When Harry Met Sally to the 2011 double release of Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached (basically the same movie starring different actors) to even the most iconic friendship show of all time, Friends, it’s almost an unwritten rule in the media that heterosexual men and women simply cannot just be friends. 

But we all know life isn’t the movies - or is it? In 2011, researchers at University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire decided to study the “benefit or burden” of cross-sex friendships. They found that amongst 88 college-aged cross-sex friendship pairs, men were far more likely to find their female counterparts attractive, and they assumed the romantic attraction was mutual. On the other hand, women were less likely to find their male counterparts attractive, and they similarly assumed that men felt the same way. So basically, men overestimated their attractiveness to their female counterparts, and women underestimated theirs (no surprise there - remember the confidence gap we discussed a few months ago?). Men were also more likely to act on this, even if their female friends were in a relationship (yikes!). 

The same study also analyzed how 249 adults (97 university students and 142 27-to-52-year-olds) perceived attractiveness in a friendship. Unsurprisingly, men were 4 to 10 times more likely to log attractiveness as a benefit compared to women (with men being more likely to consider it a good thing as they aged). Both genders admitted that feelings of attractiveness for an opposite-sex friend made them feel less satisfied in their romantic relationships. The study concluded that men have a harder time than women with ‘just being friends’ 😒. Other studies have found similar findings - men and women tend to have different perspectives on the benefits and burdens of opposite-sex friendships, sometimes making things complicated. 

But this study (and the others linked) was from 13+ years ago. Unfortunately for us, there’s not a whole lot of research in the opposite-sex friendship domain. Partly because it’s a little niche for academic research, and partly because cross-sex friendships are a relatively new concept. It really wasn’t until 60 years ago, when women started to enjoy equal rights to men, that the necessary conditions for platonic friendships (men and women being on the same level playing field and mixing in public spaces) arose. Essayist William Deresiewicz put it well saying opposite-sex friendships became possible “only once it was normal and even boring to see a member of the opposite sex at the next desk.” Thus, we as a society don’t have a lot of experience - nor proxies - for handling opposite-sex friendships. 

Today, there seems to be more openness to the idea of cross-sex friendships. In 2019, wedding website The Knot reported that 4 in 10 brides and grooms were opting for mixed-gender wedding parties (bring in the bridesmen and groomsmaids, baby!). I don’t know about you, but to me, standing by your opposite-sex friend on the day they marry the love of their life is really as platonic as it gets.

What about work spouses? 

You can’t talk about platonic opposite-sex friendships without getting into the rise of the work spouse, which is more of a mixed bag. Despite what essayist William Deresiewicz said above, sometimes having someone of the opposite sex sit by you at work isn’t as boring as you might think. The term “work spouse” was officially coined in 2015 by communications specialists M. Chad McBride and Karla Mason Bergen as “a special, platonic friendship with a work colleague characterized by a close emotional bond, high levels of disclosure and support, and mutual trust, honesty, loyalty, and respect.” However, some argue that the very idea that two people who aren’t married would even want to refer to each other as “husband” and “wife” raises some eyebrows and puts the work spouse in a place somewhere in between platonic and romantic. Interestingly, the term “office wife” has roots in a male companionship between a prime minister and his male secretary, and then later it trickled down to female secretaries, before they distanced themselves from the term, and in the 1980s, office peers took it on. As humans, it makes sense that we want to label our relationships as it helps us communicate the nature of our companionship to others (and for many, clarify that they are not doing anything dicey with their work friend). But suspiciously, in no other types of relationships do friends take on this husband-and-wife language. In some ways, it makes sense. Our work relationships often can be more intimate than our other friendships since we’re with these people more than we’re with our families and non-work friends. But overall, it’s a bit curious that we’ve adopted language that implies the utmost level of intimacy to clarify that we’re not (?) more than friends. And if you have a real husband or wife (or even a boyfriend or girlfriend, for that matter), it can raise some concerns. Our jobs and coworkers are already mostly unknown to our partners, so adding the mystery of a work husband or wife might not be so well received.

And finally, what if I’m into my opposite-sex friend? 

I’m glad you asked! A 2021 meta-analysis of 1,897 university students and adults found that two-thirds of people consider friendship as the preferred initiation to a romantic relationship. This doesn’t mean everyone wants all of their opposite-sex friendships to progress into something more, but it does mean that there’s potential. Last week, we talked about dating apps, and 46% of you don’t prefer them. While you didn’t get into why, I can imagine that some feel that dating apps over-productize what you want to be a more natural process. And many times, that process starts by hitting it off with someone’s personality, or appreciating them as a friend, before you start evaluating them as a romantic life partner. The very words we use to describe our significant others as “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” reinforce this idea that a romantic relationship is also a friendship. 

Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

  💭 Our two cents

As a girl’s girl through and through, and someone who has been in a romantic relationship for 11 years, I haven’t put that much thought into the weirdness of opposite-sex friendships because a) I don’t hang out 1:1 with guys that much and b) I’m so clearly not available that it’s never been an issue. However, one of my fiance’s best friends in NYC happens to be a girl (as in, he was invited to her bachelorette party and was tapped as one of the very few people to speak at her upcoming wedding). Recently, I was asked if I ever thought anything of it, and honestly, I haven’t. Part of it is probably that we’ve been together for so long that I’ve never felt our relationship was at risk for really any reason, and probably another part of it is that my partner is living in a different country and on a different continent from his family and where he grew up, so I’m honestly just happy he has such great friends here in New York. But it’s funny because if you asked me without context, I might be skeptical that a girl and a guy could have a very close and also a truly platonic friendship. Maybe because such friendships aren’t portrayed in the media, maybe because society tells us we can’t, or maybe I just don’t have a ton of experience with them. When it comes to work spouses, I’m less convinced as it does seem odd to voluntarily take on such intimate language for what’s supposedly a platonic relationship, but I will say context matters - a lot. After doing my research, my conclusion is that sure, not all men and women can be friends, but it seems like as with most things when it comes to modern feminism (which I’d certainly categorize this as), it’s more a matter of society catching up with us than anything.

💃 The girls have spoken

See last week’s poll results from “So...are the dating apps dead?” below. :)

💌 Up Next

That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

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Up next: So…is the US ready for a female president?

💖 S & J