Can I ask you a personal question?

Calling it quits?

In May, American business intelligence firm Morning Consult published a nationwide survey concluding what has likely already been circulating around your friend group and the podcast airwaves for quite some time now: women are – drumroll please 🥁 🥁 🥁 – extremely sick of the apps. Compared to 30% of men (not necessarily a glowing review in itself), just 18% of women said that they believed the creation of dating apps has had a positive impact on society. Not only that, but they were also significantly more likely to both delete the apps after use and report to not want to use them going forward.

According to a 2023 survey by the Pew Research Center, a striking 53% of all Americans under the age of 30 have ever used a dating site or app in the past, with men showing slightly higher usage rates than women. Since the early 2010s, the apps have collectively garnered billions of downloads worldwide, peaking between 2019 and 2020 and generating a $5B global market. Tinder, founded in 2012, remains the leader in a crowded U.S. market also consisting of Hinge (2011), Bumble (2014), The League (2014), Raya (2015), and a smattering of other options.

When it comes to worsening female sentiment towards the apps, it’s not that the matches made on them have been a resounding failure. In fact, the same Pew Research Center survey referenced above found that “one-in-ten partnered adults – meaning those who are married, living with a partner or in a committed romantic relationship – met their current significant other through a dating site or app.” For those aged 18-29, that number is doubled. Considering the number of couples we all know who’d answer “on Hinge” to the how’d-you–meet question, this sounds about right.

And yet, women are running for the IRL hills. So where’s it all going wrong?

Maybe we just want different things…

Things really start to get interesting when we take a closer look at the differences between how women and men use the apps. Despite markedly lower satisfaction rates, women who have reported using a dating app in the past year are actually significantly less likely than their male counterparts to say that they’ve often / sometimes felt insecure because of the lack of messages they’ve received (40% vs. 64%). In fact, they’re over twice as likely as men to say they’ve instead felt overwhelmed by the number of messages they’ve received (54% vs. 25%).

But despite this increased volume of matches, women are both less likely to report often / sometimes being excited by the people they’ve seen (75% vs. 81%) and more likely to report being disappointed by their pool of options (90% vs. 87%). 🥲 Consistent with this data, another 2023 survey of roughly two thousand online daters found that it takes women an average of 17 profile views before they’ll swipe right; for men, that number is nearly a third lower at 12. Women also self-report as picky on the apps an overwhelming 96% of the time, compared to 80% for men. Further, 52% of female users say they are more selective on the apps than they’d otherwise be in person and are twice as likely to evaluate profiles with a set of immediate deal-breakers (30% vs. 15%).

But women have good reason to have their guard up. While similar percentages of women and men report that a “major reason” they’ve joined a dating app is “to meet a long term partner or spouse” (48% vs. 42%) or “to date casually” (37% vs. 43%), nearly a third of men also include “to have casual sex” on that list, while only roughly a tenth of women say the same. In other words, an outcome that many men would consider to be meeting their goals on the apps would simply not be considered the same by many women. (“Is that the looking-for-a-girl-who-doesn’t-take-herself-too-seriously TikTok playing in the background?” I asked. To which the men responded, “I’m not sure…it’s just a little hard to hear over the looking-for-a-man-in-finance one.” 🫠)

So…maybe it’s not so hard to see where it’s all falling apart after all. When speaking with the Wall Street Journal, social psychologist, author, and professor at NYU’s Stern School of Business Jonathan Haidt offered the following explanation for the emerging dissatisfaction with the apps:

Exciting times, indeed.

Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

💭 Our Your two cents

Admittedly, we are not, shall we say, the most qualified to offer up our personal dating app experiences and resulting opinions on the matter. One of us is engaged to our high school sweetheart / partner of a literal decade, and the other one of us is indeed single yet has been hiding from the apps for the last decade much to our mother’s dismay (guess which one’s me).

But luckily, we know some people who actually know what they’re talking about. So this week, we thought you’d be better off hearing from two of them, both of whom once used the apps, but both of whom no longer do so. But not exactly for the same reasons. And no matter what your hot take or personal dilemma on the topic currently is, you’ll probably relate to one of them…or both. So ladies, take it away:

A Tale of Two Previous App Users

Part I

“I never went into the apps looking for a partner/boyfriend because when I started using them, I was recently single (after a particularly bad breakup). Because of that, if I’m being honest, when I downloaded the apps, I was looking for a distraction – a way to get out of my apartment and remind myself that I could still find connection with new people.

Because I was so unserious, I didn’t really care too much about the superficial criteria you’re sometimes forced to focus on with dating apps. I didn’t care too much about height, the prestige of someone’s college / job, if they had one bad photo. I pretty much chatted with everyone on the app who seemed normal and chose my dates based on who I had the best conversation with from there. 

Ironically, I ended up meeting my current boyfriend right away, and I’m fortunate I never had to go through the string of awful dates to find someone I connected with. But at the end of the day I think two things worked for me: I was putting myself out there while simultaneously having no expectations. 

That being said, I’ve heard I’m a rare success story, and I have friends who seem to do everything right and don’t have luck (yet!!). Because of that, I think it makes sense to take breaks the moment you feel dating app fatigue. Dating apps always felt fun for me while I was using them, but if it ever stopped feeling fun, I probably would have deleted the apps.”  -A wise NTPer

Part II

“Up until about two months ago, I had used dating apps consistently for the past seven years (from my sophomore year in college until the present — yes, I've been single the whole time, just to clarify lol). Reflecting on my dating app journey, it's interesting to see how it has evolved. 

In college, my go-to apps were Tinder and Bumble, primarily for finding hot guys to have fun with — usually brief interactions that rarely extended beyond a few encounters. Post-grad, I shifted to Bumble and Hinge, hoping for fewer hookup vibes and better-quality interactions. Men on these apps would at least ask you on a date and put in some effort to get to know you before trying to invite you over.

Still, I didn't find anyone I could seriously see myself in a relationship with. I went on a lot of dates and met nice people, but there was always some reason it wouldn't work out. Maybe they were just visiting for the weekend, weren't looking for something serious, or simply didn't meet my standards. In the past year and a half, I narrowed it down to using only Raya and Hinge, where I felt there were more viable options, but the same problems persisted. 

This has all led me to where I am today: dating-app free. And I don't foresee myself ever going back. I felt like I was wasting time scrolling through profiles, judging men based on a few photos and poorly-executed prompts that may or may not accurately represent their personality and values.

Since ditching the apps, I've focused on making more organic connections through mutual friends or social outings. I haven't met any super promising candidates yet, but it feels like a healthier way to meet people who already share the same interests, have mutual friends, and won't give you the ick from flaunting a large sea bass gasping for its last breath in their first photo. Meeting someone organically feels like a sacred act these days, but I remain hopeful and positive that I'll meet someone who recognizes what a catch I am (pun intended) without feeling the need to play the field — dating app or not.” - Another wise NTPer

Also, we lied. We can’t resist sharing our opinions. So…TLDR: If you’re personally grappling with whether or not you want to be on the apps, we have mainly just one thing to say: You know yourself. You know when you’re having fun, you know when you’re dragging your feet, you know when you’re feeling optimistic, you know when you’re feeling like you’re wasting your time, you know when you’re putting the best version of yourself forward, you know when you’re not setting yourself up for success. So, yeah, listen to those things. If they’re saying the apps will get you out of your shell and expose you to new experiences, why not. If they’re saying the apps are holding you back and not giving you what you want, pack it in. Keep it simple. (And P.S. you can always change your mind.)

💃 The girls have spoken

See last week’s poll results from “So…is Find My Friends ruining our social lives?” below. :)

💌 Up Next

That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

Have something to say? We’d love to hear it – reply to this email or leave an anonymous comment here :) 

Up next: So…can you really just be friends with someone of the opposite sex?

💖 S & J