It’s 2:37am on Tuesday. I’ve already ignored my Instagram screen time limit four times for a day that, according to my sleep schedule, has not yet actually begun. I’m on image 46/132 in the reviews for a lip liner / gloss kit situation from a brand I’d never heard of before I got in bed… but regardless, I clicked on the shop link for it while I was 11 months deep in the profile of a model influencer with ltrly perfect lips… maybe they’re natural?... anyway, she swears by it… oh, would you look at that! It looks like I snagged that lip kit for $44! Still plenty of time to watch lip liner tutorials before it arrives Thursday. ;)

Can I ask you a personal question?

💋 Beauty is pain really f*cking expensive

If you feel like there’s a never-ending mountain of beauty products to climb as a woman these days, you’re not alone. One 2017 survey of 3000 American women aged 16-75 found that over 85% of them applied a minimum of 16 products to their face each day, costing an average of $8 daily. Groupon also found in a survey of its own that women who say they routinely spend money on their appearance will contribute over $225k to the cause over their lifetimes, roughly $50k more than their male counterparts, which is well over a year’s salary based on the median personal income in the U.S. If you were to put together a basic face of makeup from Sephora’s best-selling makeup products at this point in time – with foundation ($45), concealer ($32), blush ($23), lip gloss ($24), eyeshadow ($60), mascara ($30) – it’d run you $214 before tax and shipping. And speaking for ourselves, that only covers maybe half of what’s currently in our makeup bags.

And we’re just talking about makeup alone. What about skincare? Haircare? Hair color / style / braiding? Hair removal? Nails? Botox? Cosmetic plastic surgery? Studies show that women spend roughly a third more than men on skincare, haircare, and hair styling. A monthly manicure and pedicure might cost $100. A few monthly wax treatments might be the same while going the laser hair removal route would be in the thousands for all treatments necessary. Botox, which many women now begin in their late twenties, costs an average of $466 per treatment in 2020; to maintain results, treatment must be repeated roughly every three to four months in perpetuity. Lip filler? More. And according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, there were 1.5 million cosmetic surgical procedures and 23.7 million cosmetic minimally invasive procedures performed in 2022, 87% of which are performed on women (not to mention that the male:female ratio of plastic surgeons is approximately 5:1… but we digress). 

(Beauty) time is money

As we know all too well, our beauty products, routines, and treatments don’t only cost money; they also cost copious amounts of time. In 2014, the TODAY/AOL Ideal to Real Body Image Survey revealed that women spend an average of 55 minutes per day on their appearance, about 20 minutes more than men, for a total of two full weeks a year. But is this wasted time? Well, that’s a murky question. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of California, Irvine found that “attractive individuals earn roughly 20 percent more than people of average attractiveness…[and] for both men and women, grooming matters more than attractiveness: Being attractive is not enough; it is doing attractiveness appropriately that proves one's deservingness and is what gets rewarded in the labor market.” And, for women, they found, the importance of being well-groomed, regardless of “natural attractiveness”, was significantly more impactful than it was for men.

Kicking bombarding us with beauty products while we’re down 

Of the women participating in the TODAY/AOL survey cited above, 46% also said that social media made them more self-conscious of their appearance. Women spend about 25% more time on social media apps daily than men and account for 10% more of Instagram’s U.S. user base than men. Extensive work has been done to research the effect of social media on self-esteem, but the findings of one, in particular, state that “the relationship between browsing through the looks of others on Instagram and body dissatisfaction…is fully mediated by upward appearance comparison with social media influencers. Thus, the exposure to idealized pictures and stories of this comparison target is associated with detrimental outcomes in female adolescents and young women.” (You’re shocked, we know.) But before we go too far down the social-media-body-image rabbit hole (trust us, we’ll dive headfirst in a future newsletter), let’s tie it back to beauty spending. Data from the Pew Research Center show that of those aged 18-29, women are 10% more likely to follow influencers on social media and 20% more likely to have purchased something after seeing an influencer post about it, with 62% of women saying influencers impact what they buy. So… the moments in which we’re likely to feel the most vulnerable are very likely the exact moments in which we’re targeted to buy every beauty product under the sun.

Have thoughts? Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

  💭 Our two cents

To say this topic is complicated would be… a bit of an understatement. There are seemingly infinite influences that shape the way we see beauty in ourselves, the way society sees beauty in us, and the impact of those perceptions on our lives. And fittingly, there are seemingly infinite products we could use to try to reshape those perceptions. But… our goal is definitely not to tell you which of those products is worth your money or your time. Because, well, for every single person, the answer is going to be completely different. We just thought this might get you thinking about what that answer is for you. 

Every day we make many minute decisions about our appearance, so many and so minute that it can seem second nature, that we don’t even necessarily ask ourselves why we’re making them or who we’re making them for. Far more often than we (S + J, at least) might like to admit, that “why” might be feelings of inadequacy, comparison to others, fear of how others will perceive us, the need to always be on top of the trends, to look the right age, to seem professional or fun or edgy enough. But if the choices we’re making about our appearances aren’t fundamentally for us, and they aren’t fundamentally to make us feel more confident – like, deep down, lastingly more confident – are they really worth all that time, are they really worth all that money, and are they really going to get rid of those nagging feelings that we’re not quite enough? Well, probably not.

So we say… take the time to think about which products and practices actually make you happy, and which are simply not worth your time, energy, or money. :)

✅ You should also know…

🚺 Beauty & Feminism: Betches cofounder Jordana Abraham and sister Dr. Naomi Bernstein break down the age-old question Does Getting Botox Make Me A Bad Feminist? in their podcast Oversharing (tip: to get straight to the point, start at 33:40).

🤖 Beauty & AI: AI models with hundreds of thousands of followers, like Aitana Lopez, can’t physically use the beauty products tagged in their photos, but that won’t stop them from advertising to you. (How does bonding oil work on AI hair? Will it work the same way on ours? Let us know.) 

🧪 Beauty & Biology: This episode of The Psychology of Your 20s with Jenna Sbeg, The psychology of pretty privilege and beauty standards, dives deeper into the factors that have driven humanity’s thoughts and actions around beauty for all of time.

🙌 Beauty & Confidence: Also a Betches cofounder, Aleen Dreksler talks with confidence coach Kara Lowentheil about how to Unf*ck your brain and learn to be more confident in this installment of Diet Starts Tomorrow.

💃 The girls have spoken

Last week’s topic, “So…do your friends know how much you make?” was definitely a loaded one. It seems that the majority of us are either only talking about salary numbers with close friends (51%) or leaving specifics out altogether (28%). The general vibe from the comments is that we are hesitant to share numbers because it’ll either make us feel bad about ourselves or make our friends feel bad about themselves, especially when we work in very different industries or roles. And making ourselves and others feel bad is, of course, exactly what we don’t want to achieve. However, when we’re in similar situations as our friends (like business school or the same role), we’re more open about bringing up the numbers (probably because they’re more likely to be in the same ballpark).To help you better navigate this topic, here are a few tips: 

1. Reframe the Conversation: One reader mentioned that reframing the conversation as “pay equity” vs. “salary transparency” can help make it feel less loaded. Because when we’re sharing to promote equity, it becomes less about ourselves and more about the greater good. 

2. Anonymously report your salary: Elpha, a digital career community for women, created this salary database to help you benchmark your pay. Join 11,500 women in reporting your salary anonymously and get the data points you need to negotiate for more.

3. Start with hypotheticals: No scientific study proves the best way to talk about pay with friends. But one way to get started is by sharing hypothetical numbers that are relevant for an upcoming career move. For example, saying something like “I have an interview coming up and I know they’re going to ask for my preferred range. I want to make sure I’m paid fairly, but it’s hard to gauge what’s right. I’m thinking about asking for $X to $X. What do you think?.” Talking in hypotheticals is always easier than chatting about hard numbers and can help to get the conversation going.  

4. Share yours: We can’t expect others to start sharing if we don’t. Of course, we’re not just going to toss this into any random conversation, but inflection points in our careers aren’t all that rare. So, let’s say you want to discuss how to best negotiate an offer with a friend. Before you jump in, try giving them a heads-up: 

“Hey, I have a job offer that I need help negotiating. Can you help me work through the specifics?” 

“Awesome. So they offered $60K, but I’m currently making $50K. I feel like for this career jump to be worth it, I want it closer to $70K. So I’m wondering what I could counter with to ensure I end up with a minimum of $70K after negotiating.” 

By providing specifics, your friend can now comment within the parameters you provided without feeling like their advice could be considered out of line, making everyone feel more comfortable. And if you’re the friend in this situation, offer to share your own negotiation story (with numbers!) back so it feels more like a two-way street. 

💌 Up Next

That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

Have something to say? We’d love to hear it – reply to this email or leave an anonymous comment here :) 

Up next? So…should I freeze my eggs? 

💖 S & J