Can I ask you a personal question?

💸 How the masses are paying

Ah yes, the question that never dies. Who should pay for the date? Though opinions on the topic seem to endlessly clash (and probably always will), there’s still one thing that’s pretty clear…well, maybe a few things: men expect men to pay, women expect men to pay, and men are indeed paying. In fact, men are even more likely than women to say that they think they should be footing the bill for their date. According to a survey by NerdWallet earlier this year, 78% of American men agree that they should pay for the first date, compared to 68% of women who think the man should pay.

A 2023 study surveying over 500 heterosexual college students showed these perspectives playing out in practice. As the NYT reported after the paper’s publication, “the researchers found that young men paid for all or most of the dates around 90 percent of the time, while women paid only about 2 percent (they split around 8 percent of the time).” Interestingly, the impact of participants’ views on gender roles (traditional v. progressive) had little impact on the results. According to another study, “many women (39%) wished men would reject their offers to pay and 44% of women were bothered when men expected women to help pay” while “the majority of men said they feel guilty when accepting women’s money (76%).”

All that said, there is a great deal of nuance bubbling just below the surface when it comes to this topic. Roughly 57% of Americans believe that the individual who makes more money should pick up the tab, regardless of gender. Yet, in a country like the US where the gender wage gap remains alive and well, it’s more likely than not that this individual is a man. Taking another angle (spoiler: we’re fans of this one), about two-thirds of Americans think that the asker-outer (...yes, that’s the technical term…no further questions please) should be the one putting down their card. In most cases, this is also more than likely to point to the man, given that “53% of men say they asked for the first date versus 15% of women.”

Perceptions, perceptions, perceptions

Alright, so what fuels everyone’s (often strongly held) opinions on the rules of date paying? Well, you probably have quite a few ideas already, but bear with us as we recap some varying perspectives. For many women, when men pay for dates it shows that they’re taking the situation seriously and appreciate the time and energy put into being there. Men, at the same time, are dealing with widely held and deeply ingrained societal expectations of chivalry and providing for their partners. Neither of these things inherently imply blatant sexism or a rejection of feminism. Yet, they’re draped in double standards.

And sex further complicates the situation. One study, titled “‘You Owe Me’: Effects of Date Cost, Who Pays, Participant Gender, and Rape Myth Beliefs on Perceptions of Rape,” illustrated that “when the man paid for an expensive date, men agreed more than did women that both characters should have expected sexual intercourse.” This sense of someone being “owed” something because of who picked up the tab on a date is problematic for obvious reasons. But it’s reinforced unintentionally by practices like women feeling the need to split the bill only on dates they feel will be the last. Though seemingly harmless, in a way, this actually ties that act of paying for the date to the outcome of the date and lends itself to the transactional nature of the interaction. As a result, both men and women tend to worry that a woman’s insistence to split the cost of a date might imply she’s not particularly interested. In reality, she may actually be trying to show her date that she’s not trying to use him for money or simply that she’s just as invested in being there as he is.

Why does who pays even matter? 

In 2024, dates don’t come cheap. According to a 1,000+ person study by Self, Inc, the average man spends $67.87 per date and the average woman spends $56.54. But another study of 2,000 Americans finds it’s far more expensive - with dates costing an average of $189. The cost probably depends on where you live, which date it is (with the first being less expensive than the second), and your age. But regardless, the point is that dates can become a legitimate financial burden. While it seems like men and women alike expect men to pay for first / early dates, after that, it should probably be more of a fair game - both from the paying and the planning side.

We’ve all had that friend who never initiates hanging out and just expects us to reach out and come up with stuff to do together, and it can start to feel a little one-sided. Sure, dating is a unique type of relationship that has a lot of gender implications, but at the end of the day, it’s still a type of friendship. And the further you get into dating, the more important it is that you give and take, because that’s a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. To have one side constantly planning and paying might start to make things feel lopsided, rendering the relationship as a whole less fulfilling. So if you’re suggesting you try out this new sushi bar or grab ice cream at your favorite local spot, we say it’s probably up to you to pay. As you progress in the relationship, maybe you’ll decide that 50/50 feels right for you, and if so, that’s great. But as a rule of thumb, having the “asker-outer” (lol at this term again) pay can help to avoid any kind of resentment and keep everyone’s expectations aligned. 

TLDR: Our woulds & wouldn’ts

We’re guessing that you probably don’t need anyone else telling you what to do and not do in your life…so this is just what we would do. : )

💁‍♀️ Would… remember to simply genuinely thank your date for paying when they do so and leave it at that. You don’t owe them anything beyond it.

💁‍♀️ Would… focus more on how the date was initiated than how it ended when it comes to determining who should pay. As you get further along in dating someone, this should naturally start to balance out anyway.

🙅‍♀️ Wouldn’t… push to split or pay the bill if you’ll be unhappy to actually do so. This isn’t really helping anyone.

🙅‍♀️ Wouldn’t… brush over or avoid discussing topics of money (especially minor ones) early on. Starting small and soon can only help later on.

Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

💌 Up Next

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Up next: So…can we talk about STDs?

💖 S & J