In 2021, the New York Times noticed that a self-help book published over a decade ago had interestingly found its way back to the top of Amazon’s charts. Spurred by some combination of pandemic-induced relationship stress and TikTok’s rapid rise in usage amongst young Americans, the article’s author surmised, “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love” was suddenly back at the center of pop culture. Ever since, we haven’t been able to have a conversation about that one friend’s endlessly circular toxic relationship without someone tossing a mention of mutually destructive “attachment styles” into the mix. And now that the term has solidly cemented itself in our day-to-day lingo, we figured it was about time we learned a little bit more about what attachment styles actually are. Better late than never. ;)

Can I ask you a personal question?

🧑‍🤝‍🧑 Attachment origins

While attachment styles have held buzzword status for a few years now, the theory behind them is not so new. In the 1950s, British psychologist John Bowlby was closely studying the relationship between infants and their caregivers, particularly the distress experienced by the infants when separated from their caregivers. He postulated that “attachment behaviors,” like crying and searching, demonstrated when a child was no longer near their “attachment figure” were part of an evolutionarily beneficial “attachment behavioral system” designed to help mammalian infants stay within close proximity to their caregivers for the best possible chance of survival. “According to Bowlby, the attachment system essentially ‘asks’ the following fundamental question: Is the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive? If the child perceives the answer to this question to be ‘yes,’ he or she feels loved, secure, and confident, and, behaviorally, is likely to explore his or her environment, play with others, and be sociable. If, however, the child perceives the answer to this question to be ‘no,’ the child experiences anxiety…until either the child is able to reestablish a desirable level of physical or psychological proximity to the attachment figure, or until the child ‘wears down.’”

It was Bowlby’s colleague Mary Ainsworth, however, who took the research of attachment theory one step further with a technique referred to as the “strange situation,” which would be used in numerous future studies on the subject. In the strange situation, one-year-olds are observed in a research setting while being separated and subsequently reunited with their caregivers. From these studies emerged four core attachment styles based on the behavior exhibited by the infants: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Infants with a secure attachment style were distressed upon separation, but easily comforted upon reuniting with their caregiver. Those with an anxious attachment style, however, exhibited continued distress and resistance to being soothed even upon reunification. Those with an avoidant attachment style showed little distress during separation and did not seek out the caregiver even upon their return. Finally, a disorganized attachment style was characterized by inconsistent and chaotic reactions from the child throughout the experience.

👶 Interesting! But I’m no longer an infant…

Fair point. Even so, attachment theory argues that one’s relationship to their primary caregiver as a young child is the most influential factor in the attachment style that they will continue to demonstrate in their interpersonal relationships as an adult. Later in life, those with secure attachment styles are most well equipped to develop strong, trusting bonds with others and demonstrate open communication in their relationships. Their formative attachment relationship was likely one in which they received “consistent love and support” as well as “reliable and responsive care,” helping them feel “safe and valued” as a child. Their anxious counterparts, on the other hand, may have received attention best characterized by its inconsistency, sometimes provided with warmth but other times notably lacking it. As a result, they may find it difficult to fully trust in adult relationships, struggle with jealousy, or fear their partners are ultimately going to leave them. Those that find themselves in the avoidant category, however, “might learn to cope by becoming self-reliant and suppressing their desire for closeness” as a result of a childhood in which their needs were not fully acknowledged or were even discouraged. Finally, a disorganized attachment style most commonly stems from child-caregiver relationships in which the former experiences significant and even traumatic fear of or confusion by the latter, leading to unstable relationships in their adult lives in which they may crave closeness but do not feel they deserve it.

Studies estimate that roughly half of the population identifies as having a secure attachment style. However, that still leaves about 25% characterizing as avoidant, 20% as anxious, and 5% as disorganized. Which is still a lot of us potentially fighting our natural instincts while trying to practice the most healthy dynamics in our adult relationships, particularly romantic relationships. While the descriptions of each attachment style above may help clearly illustrate the differences between them, you may not identify with any of the extremes. For some, it can be more helpful to think about the underlying emotions and resulting tendencies as a spectrum. As someone who leans towards the anxious side of things, for example, you may find yourself overanalyzing the frequency and tone of all the texts you receive from a new love interest. Or if you identify more with the avoidant folks, you may find that you’re hesitant to truly open up to your partner and prefer relying on yourself rather than seeking external emotional support. While neither of those may fully derail your relationships, it can still be very useful to put your finger on what motivates them.

💗👀 Insecure in love?

While the secure attachment style is predominant regardless of gender, it will probably not surprise you to learn that research shows women tend to identify more with the anxious form of insecure attachment while men tend to identify more with the avoidant form. Even so, a 2023 survey conducted by YouGov found that nearly one third of all those aged 18 to 29 described themselves as having an anxious attachment style, significantly higher than any other age group surveyed (all others being older). One clear factor likely contributing to this discrepancy is that the older someone is, the more likely they are to have experienced a healthy, secure, long-lasting relationship. However, there’s also an argument to be made that in the age of modern technology, social media, and dating apps, our feelings of insecure attachment have only been exacerbated in the past decade. In other words, “there are more ways to be avoidant of your partner (screen time, texting) and more ways to feel anxious (ghosting, monitoring social media, etc.)” than ever.

The pairing of attachment styles that has undoubtedly given rise to the popularity of the term in modern dating discourse is the “anxious-avoidant trap.” While it may seem counterintuitive at first, it is in fact quite uncommon that two individuals with the same insecure attachment style engage in a serious heterosexual dating relationship. As Mark Manson, author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” puts it, “avoidant types are so good at putting others off that oftentimes it’s only the anxious types who are willing to stick around and put in the extra effort to get them to open up. For instance, Avoidant Alex may be able to successfully shirk Secure Sarah’s pushes for increased intimacy. After which, Secure Sarah will accept the rejection and move on. But Anxious Anna will only become more determined by a man who pushes her away. She’ll resort to calling him for weeks or months on end until he finally caves and commits to her. This gives Avoidant Alex the reassurance he needs that he can behave independently and Anxious Anna will wait around for him.” Unfortunately, research has also shown that “relationships of avoidant men and of anxious women were surprisingly stable over 3 years, particularly in light of the relatively poor ratings of these relationships by both partners.” Oof.

🧐 At work, in friendships, and beyond

While attachment styles most often come up in conversations about our love lives, they can also have observable effects in other domains. At work, anxious types may fear or react more adversely than warranted to constructive feedback, or struggle to set up any sort of time boundaries, worrying that failing to be available at all times or saying no could upset their managers. On the opposite end of the spectrum, avoidant types may focus more on the work they want to do regardless of what their bosses want, causing time management issues of their own. Meanwhile, disorganized types may simply feel “stuck,” worrying excessively about stressful work situations but also failing to act on these feelings and instead avoiding them altogether. As one psychologist puts it, “living with an anxious attachment at work can be very draining and can lead to burnout or struggles with work-life balance. It may be hard to relax outside of working hours because of constant worry about relationships being ‘okay’ at work.”

The benefits of a secure attachment style don’t stop at romantic relationships or even work-life balance. Multiple studies have shown that secure types enjoy better mental health, experience less jealousy and materialism, are more likely to initiate social ties and less likely to dissolve them, and exhibit higher levels of openness to new ideas. Put more simply, those with a secure attachment style treat themselves with a greater sense of self-compassion while also recognizing and seeking out support from those with which they share relationships.

All that said, if you identify in any capacity as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized in your attachment style, you’re not doomed. One of psychologists’ most repeated disclaimers about attachment theory and the way that pop culture has latched onto it is that you should remember that your attachment style is malleable. Though recognizing your insecure tendencies takes some effort and intention, studies have found that “just wanting to become more secure was associated with more actual change in that direction.” And being in relationships with secure types can have the same effect. After all, as the coauthor of “Attached,” Amir Levine, has said, “You can think of an attachment orientation as a working model of the world: a set of beliefs that are constantly put to the test. Those beliefs stem largely from the interactions you’ve already had—but your subsequent interactions keep shaping your expectations, which means that your working model can keep evolving.”

Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

  💭 Our two cents

These days, I’d like to think I have a secure attachment style. But it certainly wasn’t always that way. In my first relationship, I believe I was what psychologists clinically identify as an anxiously attached disaster. Unsurprisingly, my partner in this relationship was – you guessed it – avoidant. He would ignore me for long stretches of time or hit me with the classic “I just don’t deserve you” on a regular basis, while I desperately tried to convince him otherwise, thinking that if I just tried hard enough, I could show him that we could work. Needless to say, we did not (lol). There are perhaps factors from my childhood that may have contributed to these tendencies (e.g. pressure of perfectionism), but I was also just young, immature, and inexperienced in relationships at this point in time. Looking back, I think that having the language to describe this dynamic would have been a helpful tool. But the relationship and my subsequent grow(th)/(ing up) also give me confidence that you can shape your attachment style through experience.

Knowing the theory behind attachment styles and being able to recognize how they might manifest can be invaluable in building stronger relationships. But we also think it’s important that you don’t let your attachment style define you or your partners. Firstly, because we can change, which psychologists reassure us and we’ve likely all experienced to some extent already. But also because being able to describe our attachment styles only gets us half of the way there; it’s also critical to be able to express our needs to our partners, especially if we feel they aren’t being met. Rather than dwelling on each others’ potentially clashing attachment styles (“Why are you so avoidant?”), we can try focusing on what it actually is that we need (“I’d love if we could talk on the phone after work.”), communicating those needs clearly and confidently, and being honest with ourselves when they’re not being met. So remember, you are more than just your (in)secure attachment style. :)

✅ You should also know…

🙊 Oversharing: Betches cofounder Jordana Abraham and sister Dr. Naomi Bernstein discuss how to deal with an anxious attachment style in dating when responding to listener emails in this episode, and this one too. 

🐣 Conversations with Cam: Thinking about attachment styles as a (future) parent yourself? Host Cameron Rogers talks to clinical psychologist Dr. Jacyln Nofech-Mozes about “all things parent-child attachment styles.”

😌 On Purpose: For all the Jay Shetty fans out there, check out this episode of his podcast to hear him break down the different attachment styles and help you figure out which one best describes you.

💃 The girls have spoken

Last week, we explored the pros and cons of being a stay-at-home vs. working mom and ultimately concluded that you have to do what's best for you and your family. While there are benefits (and drawbacks) to both, no one can really tell you which is going to work for you. Within our audience, 58% want to be working moms, but the rest of you are split between various flexible options (e.g., part-time work, flex in and out of work at different times, or still unsure). What's interesting is that not a single person said that they 100% want to be a stay-at-home mom (in other words, no one is fully convinced that they don't want to work at all). We love that because it goes to show that we're doing a better job as a society of no longer thinking about work and motherhood as two mutually exclusive options. Just as we discussed last week, it's the option to choose when and how we want to work that's most important.

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That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

Have something to say? We’d love to hear it – reply to this email or leave an anonymous comment here :) 

💖 S & J