According to Brides.com, the most popular wedding months are, in order, October, September, June, May, July, and August. Which means chances are you probably have a wedding (or two…or three…) to attend sometime in the next five months. And with that, probably a few engagement parties, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, etc. While the average age for women getting married is now 30, since the average engagement is 15 months, the engagement and wedding festivities will likely start accelerating in your late twenties. So if you, like us, have ever found yourself Googling “How much to spend on a friend’s wedding gift?” or “WTF do I bring to a bridal shower?”, this post is for you. 

Can I ask you a personal question?

Spend now or forever hold your peace 

In our So…when did marriage and kids become our only milestones? piece, we discussed the history of the marriage milestone and the expansion of marriage from one day to a full wedding sprawl that might encompass up to seven events from proposal parties to engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, bridal luncheons, the actual wedding day, and then a post-wedding day brunch. And while that post was more about the act of celebrating marriage, today we want to dissect how much we’re all spending on weddings and the surrounding events. Before we get started, we want to clarify that this is not intended to throw shade at brides as we fully expect to do the same for our own future weddings (and as a recently engaged gal, my friends will soon be spending on me). Rather, we hope it helps us all just better understand what the norms are and how we can make it financially more feasible to celebrate our best friends (and ourselves!). 

How much does it cost to attend a wedding? 

The two expenses that almost everyone thinks about when it comes to attending a wedding are travel and the wedding gift. If you happen to live where the wedding is taking place, travel might not be an issue. But since most weddings are either in the bride’s hometown or destination weddings, and only 29% of Americans still live in their hometowns, chances are if you have a wedding to attend, you’re traveling. 

According to a 2023 study by Bankrate, the average American woman expects to spend $530 per wedding she attends (with $253 on travel and accommodations, $152 on gifts, and $125 on attire). But as we earn higher incomes, that number increases with Americans making $100K+ spending $912 per event. And when you break it down by generation, you’ll see that with Gen Zs ($1211) and Millennials ($1191), the spend continues to rise. 

For many of us, spending on weddings is a bit of a black box. Especially when we’re new to it. According to Brides.com, the average wedding gift amount is $100-150. Traditionally, the idea was to “pay for your plate”, but with the average cost per head being $256 according to The Knot, things are shifting. One Reddit commenter put it well - “the monetary value of the gift doesn’t matter as much as the thought and what you can reasonably afford.” We’re not etiquette experts, but as average wedding goers, we completely agree. It’s nice to give a gift to show your appreciation for being included in one of the biggest days of your friend’s life, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to Keep up with the Joneses when it comes to what you’re giving. In fact, one friend said one of the most thoughtful and memorable wedding gifts she received was a friend bringing a few disposable cameras to her wedding and putting the prints in an album afterward. It sounds cliche, but it’s really the thought that counts. 

What about the other events? 

Perhaps the biggest expense when it comes to attending a wedding isn’t even the wedding itself. If you’re a bridesmaid - or even just a close friend of the bride - you might find yourself traveling across the country (or even out of the country) for a bachelorette weekend of showering your BFF. Several different sources cite the per-guest cost for these increasingly more elaborate weekends amounting to over $1,000 (and for many, the flights alone could cost half that). So what do you do - as both the bride and the guest? Let’s make one thing clear. A wedding (and its surrounding events) is for the bride. So honestly, she gets free reign to plan whatever she wants, wherever she wants (within reason), as long as she’s not forcing anyone else along. So if as a bride you want to have your bachelorette party somewhere that’s going to cost your friends a lot of money, go for it. But understand that everyone might not have the means to come (and give them an opportunity to decline). As a guest, do what you can. Certainly don’t sign up for something you can’t afford. Most people will understand if you have to step out of some activities or even skip the entire weekend for financial reasons. If you’re close enough to have been invited, you are probably close enough to be honest with her about why you’re not comfortable coming. But if it’s not really about the money, and you just don’t want to go, remember that your friends are likely going to rally around you one day (not necessarily for a wedding, but perhaps for a milestone birthday or other big life event). And there really is something special about (a) celebrating your friend as an individual (since the wedding is focused on the couple) and (b) getting to spend a weekend with her and the most important women in her life. It wasn’t until the women’s sexual liberation movement of the 1960s when a version of bachelorettes began and not until the 1980s when the modern-day bachelorette party took off (despite men celebrating since the 5th century B.C.). So in many ways, the bachelorette party is the most feminist part of the entire string of events. 

Other festivities you may find yourself attending include engagement parties or bridal showers. You are of course welcome to do whatever you please, but both Brides.com and The Knot say you can skip the engagement party gift. As for the bridal shower, the same two sources recommend bringing something (or sending a gift in your absence) for a bridal shower. Since the bridal shower is a smaller precursor to the big day, that gift can be much smaller. Ideally, you’ll find something on their registry that works, or you can do something creative - like a gift card to their favorite local lunch spot. 

So how do you afford it all?

Ellevest, the financial platform for women, has a dedicated blog post on prepping your budget for wedding season. Two of the tips that stand out include (a) treating weddings like vacations and budgeting for them accordingly and (b) making hard choices about saying no to weddings. The first seems doable, but the second feels much harder. In a society where saying no to social plans - let alone weddings - is already difficult to do, it can feel intimidating to decline. But the good news is that recent research shows that we tend to overestimate the negative ramifications of saying no to social plans. And etiquette expert, Myka Meier, agrees saying “You could decline a wedding invitation truly for any reason at all,” with finances being one of the main rationales for skipping someone else’s big day. However, she also provides some tips regarding how to appropriately decline, especially depending on how close your relationship is with the couple. And remember - always consider sending a gift in your absence (even if it’s something small). This is a big moment for your friend and showing your appreciation for being included goes a long way. 

Let us know what you think by voting in our poll and leaving an anonymous comment.

  💭 Our two cents

The way I see it, my friends are (hopefully) only going to get married once, so spending money on their weddings and the surrounding events is worth it. Especially considering I am now about to start planning my own wedding (I started writing this last week, but I got engaged on Saturday!), and I’m well aware that part of choosing to marry someone from another country means that at least half of our guests will be taking expensive transatlantic flights to make it to my big day. I’ve already accepted that for the next few years, my vacation days and budget will mostly be dedicated to weddings - and honestly, I find it exciting that several times a year I’ll get together with different groups of friends to celebrate someone I love. But I also acknowledge that it gets expensive, and sometimes, it becomes too much to handle.

Personally, I’m OK with a bride doing whatever she wants for her wedding as long as she’s upfront about the costs to her guests (which mostly applies to the bachelorette) and she’s OK with people sitting out for financial reasons. I’ve only been invited to two bachelorette parties so far, and both brides have given their friends the opportunity to opt out of anything without having to explain themselves, which I find to be a nice gesture (though I didn’t take them up on it - I love the chance to meet my best friend’s friends at their bachelorettes, and fortunately my friends have picked places that I would want to travel to on my own!). 

Ultimately, attending weddings is expensive (as is hosting one - more on that later!), but there’s a finite number of years where I’ll be attending them, and soon enough I bet we’ll all wish we got to celebrate our friends and gather together more. 

🧠 You should also know…

👯‍♀️ Tit for Tat?: In this episode, Tinx talks about why you shouldn’t keep score when it comes to how you and your friends show up for each other during your wedding seasons.

🎀 More on etiquette: Curious about what else Myka Meier can teach you about wedding (and life) etiquette? Check out this We Met at Acme episode.

💃 The girls have spoken

See last week’s poll results from “So…is everyone getting cosmetic surgery?” below :)

💌 Up Next

That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

Have something to say? We’d love to hear it – reply to this email or leave an anonymous comment here :) 

Up next: So…should I move to a new city?

💖 S & J