Can I ask you a personal question?

Friendship in adulthood

Friendship can be hard to talk about as an adult. Especially in our late 20s and early 30s when, for the first time, it’s not guaranteed that we’re all in the same life stage. With moves to new cities, an evolving sense of self, relationships, and maybe even kids, friendship - and the expectations around it - starts to get complicated. Some find ourselves lacking the female friendships that fueled our college years. Others feel like we barely have a moment to breathe jumping from one social plan to the other. And others feel consumed with work or family (or both!) and are struggling to figure out where our friendships should fall on an already overloaded list of priorities. But regardless of your position, we can probably all agree that aligning expectations around friendships is hard. 

In romantic relationships, we either formally or informally establish expectations: we’ll spend X amount of time together, we’ll tell each other about what’s happening in our lives, we’ll communicate frustrations, etc. And when we’re misaligned, it’ll usually come out in some form of argument that we’ll later resolve and come out better for (…or, well, you know the alternative).

But friendships are different. There’s no formal designation for friendships in the way there is for romantic relationships (e.g., you never have the talk of “do you want to be my close friend?”). This can lead to lopsided understandings of what’s expected of friends - and sometimes even unmatched levels of commitment. On top of that, friendships are more fluid, so we tend to assume they’ll be fun and easy with little to no conflict - so it can be frustrating when we realize we have to put in real work. 

The State of Friendship

Friendships are a critical part of living happy lives. 61% of American adults say that having close friendships is key to having a fulfilling life, more so than being married (23%), having children (26%), or having a lot of money (24%). And not having friends - aka being lonely - has dire effects on our mental and physical health (even cited by one expert as the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes per day). 

According to Pew Research, the number of close friends Americans report having has fallen in younger generations, with half of those 65+ having 5 or more close friends compared to only 32% of those under 30. Is this a symptom of actually gaining more close friends as you age? Or are older generations keeping more close friends because they didn’t grow up in the age of being chronically online and thus less present IRL? According to the notable friendship research by Robin Dunbar, it’s likely the latter as, generally, friendships tend to peak in our 20s and then start to dip in our 60s and 70s. 

But how many friends do we actually need? Well, according to ‘Dunbar’s number’ - the research that made Robin Dunbar famous - humans are cognitively only able to maintain 150 friendships (including extended family) at once. But when you break it down by the ‘circles of friendship’, which are determined by levels of closeness, that translates to just 5 close friends. Dunbar also discusses how friendships are constantly churning throughout our lives. One poignant quote from his book is “Falling in love will cost you two friendships.” What he means by that is the time and energy required to maintain the most intimate of friendships will require you to basically sacrifice two others. So if it feels like your friend is less available now that she’s in a relationship, married, or had a child, it’s probably because she is. But it’s not necessarily her fault - it’s part of the natural cycle of friendship.

And while friendships play a key role in our lives, there is a reality that they come in seasons and not all friendships can serve the same purpose in your life all the time.

Do I need to break up with my friend? 

On one hand, there’s the natural evolution of friendships that might result in seeing and talking to some friends less often as a symptom of getting older and busier. For many of these relationships, it’s not that we don’t want to stay friends, it’s just that we only have so much time. In these cases, you’ll naturally drift apart but there are no hard feelings. But another unfortunate reality of adulthood is that as we grow and change, some friendships that we once held so dearly can start to serve us less. As our lives evolve, habits change, and we enter different life stages, we might find ourselves having conflicting interests and making contrasting life choices that make maintaining a friendship feel more like a chore than anything else. This can be particularly difficult when friends value the friendship differently. And unlike in a romantic relationship where this might lead to the dreaded “we need to talk” chat followed by a clean break, it’s not as socially acceptable to break up with friends. 

But recently, there’s been an uptick in content encouraging people to fire their friends. And with the proliferation of therapy talk on TikTok, people are feeling more emboldened than ever before to aggressively confront each other on what they’re doing wrong in all types of relationships. And while a breakup may be necessary in specific instances where a friendship is truly toxic (e.g., fraught with disrespect, a lack of empathy, manipulation, betrayal, etc.), it might be overkill. Because at the end of the day, friendships aren’t romantic relationships, so maybe we don’t need such strict definitions of what is and isn’t a friendship. If a friendship is no longer serving you in one way, it doesn’t mean you have to end it. Rather, you might need to shift your expectations of what that friendship’s role is in your life. Or if they’ve done something to disappoint you, you can use the tried and true “I felt X when Y happened” language. According to friendship expert Dr. Marissa Franco, it’s almost always better to address issues head-on, otherwise they could build into resentment and result in a real friendship blowout. But ultimately, this quote from a recent Atlantic essay sums it up well: “Rather than resting on one pillar, healthy friendship is better imagined as crowd-surfing—many hands holding you up.” 

A final note on friendships in adulthood is that we sometimes forget that we can still make new friends. According to a 2019 Snapchat study, the average person meets their best friend at 21 years old (and 18 years old for Millennials). And that’s great - it means that your best friend today will probably still be your best friend in a decade or two. But remember, there are several circles of friendship and the friends within those circles are constantly churning. So as you age, it’s normal for friendships to drift, but oftentimes that’s in order to make room for new ones. We could (and probably will) write an entire piece on making friends as adults, but for now, we’ll just leave you with the reminder that while making friends as an adult can be incredibly hard, being open-minded to new friends will ultimately serve you quite well.

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💭 Our two cents

For a long time, I had this expectation that my best friends would and could be everything to me all at once, that we had to have the same interests and see everything in the same light to continue to be best friends. But one incredible learning I’ve had in adulthood (after some not-so-pleasant growing pains) is that it’s just not fair to expect someone to serve every role in your life. And it goes both ways. This has allowed me to put less pressure on my friends, but it’s also taken some pressure off myself as a friend. I’m lucky that most of my friends are people I’ve known for 10-25 years. But on the flip side, for a bit, that led to feelings of guilt that I’ve changed and thus might no longer live up to the person they thought I was. But in the past few years, I’ve realized it’s OK.

It would be boring if we never changed - that’s part of the excitement and beauty of life. Sometimes, it can be disappointing to realize that the vision you had of a friendship isn’t how it panned out to be. But whereas I once would’ve seen things as more black and white (e.g., I’d mourn the fact that I lost a best friend), I’m now more inclined to accept that the nature of the friendship has shifted and it’s probably for the best. Sure, it’s OK to be sad, but it’s also important to recognize that friendships are meant to serve you for different reasons and seasons. And just like you can’t force a romantic relationship, it’s not fun for anyone to try to squeeze a friendship into a mold that doesn’t fit. So while I understand that sometimes you might need to axe a particularly toxic friendship or give feedback to a friend who has truly wronged you, for the most part, my perspective is to let it go. Put effort into friendships you care about, be realistic about expectations, and try not to be so hard on your friends.

✅ You should also know…

🎙️My ex-BFF wrote a book about me: This episode of The Real Stuff hosted by Lucie Fink discusses the rise and devastating fall of a 10-year friendship. (Hint: the book isn’t mentioned in the episode, but we did some sleuthing and it’s Old Enough). 

👯‍♀️ Honoring the Long Game in Friendships: In this episode of Conversations with Cam, Cam sits down with a childhood friend and discusses the ups and downs of their friendship as they navigate different life stages. 

💃 The girls have spoken

See last week’s poll results from “So...is the US ready for a female president?” below. :)

💌 Up Next

That’s all for today! If you liked this edition of Not That Personal, we think one of your friends probably will too – refer one (or two or three) below. ;)

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Up next: So…is my mother-in-law bound to be my mortal enemy?

💖 S & J